Today, big parts of healthcare reform kick in… and Republicans announced their plans to kick it to death.

On the positive side, many of the provisions of President Obama’s healthcare reform begin today. After today, a lot of the pre-existing conditions in the healthcare system itself will cease to exist. Starting now, insurance companies will no longer be allowed to exclude children because of pre-existing health conditions. Using the term “pre-existing condition” about a young child is tantamount to saying they were just born wrong. After today insurers can no longer impose lifetime limits on coverage. That should extend a few lifetimes… but then I guess that’s basically what health insurers were afraid of in the first place. Also, now kids can stay on their parents’ policies up to age 26, which makes a lot of sense. With the way the economy is, most people under 30 are still living with their parents anyway. And now insurers can’t drop you after you get sick if they can find a technical mistake on your application. So if you have a problem with your colon, you can’t be dropped because of a misplaced semi-colon on your application. Speaking of which, now preventive procedures, like colonoscopies, mammograms and immunizations must be covered without co-payments—because the only thing worse than having your breasts mashed into tortillas is being charged to have it done. Free colonoscopies are good news, too. Now you can’t be charged for having a camera put up your butt, provided of course, that it’s being done by a doctor.

Which reminds me of what Republicans want to do to you. Today the Republicans unveiled their “Pledge to America.” It’s 21 pages long. Does it really take that long to say “destroy the middle class”? This plan doesn’t move America forward, it divvies America up between the rich. “The Pledge to America!” At least they’re smart enough not to use the term “contract” any more. Too many mob jokes last time. But is “pledge” the best term to use when your plan is being introduced by John Boehner? When I think John Boehner and pledge, I think Lemon Pledge—brings out wood’s natural shine! Well, the plan was unveiled today by Boehner at a lumber company in Virginia! Honestly. John, we told you never to pose in front of wood! Your complexion makes you blend right in. A lumber company? Perfect. I can’t think of a better place to present a bunch of dead wood.